I have never felt more alone than I do on this day.
They just don't get it. I put up that video yesterday with what I thought was a clear point, but nobody really listened to that. I got a lot of positivity in the vein of "Don't change just because of the haters" but the haters have nothing to do with it. The audience itself is why I feel so alone. All of these numbers on the page pretend to care about me in the comments, but where were they when I actually cared about it all?
Contrary to what the audience may think, this is not success. I am not successful. I'm broke, I work a menial job, and I haven't taken a day off in six years. I spent well over half of my life making YouTube videos with no viewers just to have a bunch of viewers arrive suddenly after making myself permanently ineligible for any revenue. The music was a complete failure, so I made all of it available as creative commons. The games all failed to mass any interest, and it wasn't worth putting years of work into shit that nobody cared about so many of them have been made private. My artwork is everywhere, and none of the audience even knew I was an artist. The things I actually loved and cared about were shit on so frequently that I don't love or care about them anymore.
But sure. Blame the "haters" because it's impossible to recognize the real problem. I'm not pissed because some anon says some dumb shit. I'm pissed because the thing I objectively care about the least and put the least amount of effort into is the only thing anybody has ever cared about. I'm pissed because for my entire life, I was told my hard work would pay off. The sad reality is that nothing has paid off, and my brainless hobby is the only thing I'll ever be recognized for. I'll never make a penny from any of it. It won't contribute anything to my mental or physical health.
It's just a sad reminder that everything I've worked for and learned is meaningless. It's a sad reminder that douchebags who've put in %10 of the effort that I have are multi-millionaires while I'm still living in a trailer below the poverty line like I have been for 23 years. If I get another "Please keep making videos, they mean so much to me" I'll fucking jump off a skyscraper. They didn't mean a fucking thing 9 months ago. Nobody gave a shit 9 months ago. For 15 years nobody gave a shit. I don't believe anybody actually gives a shit now either. I think everybody likes to *look* like they give a shit when the reality is that I could die tomorrow, and nobody would care. They'd just move on.
So what, you want to listen to the music now that I've complained? You want to play the games suddenly? No. You just want to say that you did so you can lie about caring.
I'm just tired. Tired of working hard for nothing, just to have the lowest effort thing get the most attention. Life has been nothing but a fucking cruel lie.
Was my birthday today. Haven't actually done anything in years. Wouldn't have remembered if I didn't get the obligatory Facebook comments. Last gift was five or six years ago, I don't remember. Can't remember the last time I was invited to go anywhere or do anything. Haven't had a drink in three or four years. Timeline is twisted. The days all run together. Maybe one day I'll find out what it's all for. For now, just another day.